Being There

This post is inspired by another similarly situated law graduate’s rant about the various stupid things people in our practice questions do on a regular basis. Probably not so funny for people not studying for the bar, but hilarious to my friends and me.

Onward to my own list, which shall enlighten you in various unexpected ways, I’m sure…

Preliminary note: I just outlined three practice Contracts essays. I kind of want to throw myself in front of the next train that comes by this coffee shop laying on its ridiculously loud horn for ten seconds straight. This is your fair warning that the following content may suck. Also there are not actually ten things here. Get over it.

Knowledge tested is not knowledge required.

Our review lectures were constantly peppered with the phrase “In bar exam land…” which is apparently a far off mystical place where one can find ridiculous common law rules of criminal law and property which make no sense today. I’m so glad that the definition burglary that I memorized is used in pretty much ZERO states in this country. Never mind that the rules we’re learning have been modified, downright abolished, or simply have never existed at all in the place we intend to actually practice law. Let me tell you how much I enjoy working through a practice problem that is based on a hypothetical statute that bans “oral copulation.” About as much as guys hate blowjobs in the real world. That is, NOT AT ALL.

Example essay answers are terrible.

The best way to study for the bar is to do practice questions and practice essays. I paid Bar/Bri over two thousand dollars to provide me with materials to work through. The least they could do is give me appropriate and helpful example answers to these goddamn essays that are the bane of my existence right now.

Let me break it down. On the bar, we have to do nine essays on various subjects. These essays are limited to 4000 characters (measured by an incredibly overpriced shitty MS Word knockoff program I had to buy…and they double charged my card…let’s not go down that road). So Bar/Bri provides us with 4000 character example answers, right? Like: “Here’s what an actual answer would look like, here’s how you pass the bar, here’s a cookie for getting most of the points hooray you!” WRONG. When you turn to the answer, after having taxed your brain to remember the four tests for criminal insanity, you get a 12,000 character answer that rambles onward like an unrestricted McCain speech, using the most complicated words and rule definitions possible. 4000 characters is about one page of text, single spaced. The example answer to the Contracts essay I just did? Three full pages of text, single spaced.

Bar/Bri is a ripoff and possibly illegal.

As I mentioned before, Bar/Bri costs a ton of money. When I drop 2.5k I sort of expect like, stellar service. Right? Instead I get a course administered by two volunteer students and half of my review lectures on tape instead of live. During the course we did practice exams and essays. Several people’s essays were simply lost outright and never returned. Those that were returned were apparently graded by someone who failed penmanship (multiple times) in elementary school. What comments were discernible usually were along the lines of “work on memorizing the rules,” which is basically the equivalent of “study moar and l2p, nub.” Thanks.

Other Bar/Bri failings included email failure, multiple printed out “pep letters” that actually could have been sent by email and basically said “keep on studying hyuck!”, the shittiest website known to man, and oh yeah, the OUTRAGEOUS price. One final note: for “recycling purposes,” Bar/Bri kindly requests you return all your books and materials after the exam. Try to sell them to someone else or copy them in any way? You’re in breach of contract and lose a $250 deposit. Yeehaw!

Did I mention Bar/Bri got sued for antitrust violations? Unfairly stifling competition and price gouging is the American way. Apparently they settled that case, but how they expected to avoid getting sued when the company’s business is training lawyers and causing them inordinate amounts of stress is beyond me.

Summer o’ guilt and stress.

Strained relationships. Ignored family members. Dead libidos. Neglected chores. These are some of the side effects of a summer built around studying for one test that will allow you to profit from your three years or law school hell. Of course, I brought this upon myself, but I see no reason not to whine about it here. I’ll tack on the annoying “How’s studying going!??” and “Oh when’s the test again?” questions that have rained down upon me from day one of this ordeal from well meaning family and friends. Here’s your answer guys: Studying ruined my summer and punched my kitten, and the test is IN FOUR DAYS. Oh god. Time to go back to the books.